Every time I go to the toilet, I am completely amazed by the people who don’t wash their hands.
The idea that there are people that live in a world where the toilet isn’t an eternal cesspit of potential pestilential plague boggles my mind.
But I manage to get on with my life anyway, I mean there are people who don’t like Firefly, right?
What I don’t like however is the fact that I DO wash my hands after I use the toilet. I make that basic effort. I take the righteously boiling water of purification, add it to the soap of plus ten ultimate germ slicking and go through the righteous ritual of germ warfare, scrubbing myself until I my hands stop singing frantic germ songs in my head. I clean the hands and then I dry them, always being careful NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING SO AS TO MAINTAIN THE SANCTITY OF MY HANDS LEST I MUST PUT THEM THOUGH THE INDIGNITY OF THE WASH AGAIN.
I DO do this, every time I use the bathroom I put myself THROUGH this ordeal and when once my hands are finally clean and dry, I IMMEDIATELY am faced with a dilemma.
The door handle.
The toilet exit door handle.
Ninety percent of men’s toilet doors open inward, necessitating that you use the supplied door handle to open it.
Oh my sweet Jesus.
I mean, I just want to open the door and get on with my life. I want to go back where the world doesn’t smell of other men’s stale pee and where I don’t have to ignore the gutteral awkward sounds of men in cubicles and go back where people talk in a normal manner about normal things that have nothing to do with human waste management.
But in order to do so, I have to use the motherfucking public toilet door handle.
You know, the very same door handle as that dude just used. You know, THE ONE WHO JUST LEFT AFTER PISSING ALL OVER HIS HANDS.
Are you fucking SERIOUS?
So yes, on my bad days I admit that I occasionally open the door with some subtley held toilet paper in my hand, or do the whole “pull my sleeve down” thing.
But you know, I have decided that I don’t think I should HAVE to. I mean I’m the clean one? right? The one that made the effort, right?
Surely my making this effort to keep the world a little cleaner should result in some kind of special treatment, right? Like surely there should be a handle on the toilet door that’s SPECIFICALLY for the HEROES who have washed their hands?
If there were, I reckon it would have to be kind of inconvenient to use, weirdly shaped and placed somewhere on the door that requires a little bit more effort to grab and that the main door handle should remain the easy to use, conveniently placed easy to grab piece of design that it always have. This is working off the principle that the non-hand washers are always going to go for the most convenient option, so theoretically they can use their dirty convenient handle and then go about their business infecting their inbred children with facial Herpes or whatever they do when they’re busy ignoring basic fucking hygiene.
But unfortunately, this is never going to happen because the people who install toilet door handles are usually the same kind of people who never wash their hands. They are all about convenience and having more than one door handle just seems a bit complicated.
The truth is that it’s much more likely to just remain an Idea I do not want.